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SERMON SERIES Stay Married
SERMON TITLE Can I Respect You – part2
SERMON DATE 05/04/2008
SPEAKER Jeff Paschall
TEXT Ephesians 5
Last week we saw, that because of sin, Conflict has ravaged the human landscape. It is the main cause why a lot of marriages go belly up. And now for relationships to even have a chance… men and women must have roles.
Unfortunately, both genders… are naturally disposed to hate their assignments… Two of the most common complaints I hear women say are, 1) “My husband won’t take the lead spiritually in the marriage. You know, he’s a leader at work… but when it comes to the home and the marriage… he doesn’t do anything.” And, 2) “My husband misuses his leadership. He orders us around and he just keeps us under his thumb.”
On the other hand, the ONE complaint I hear about the wives is this, “My wife is nagging. She’s on my back, she’s not on my side. At every turn… she uses every means to manipulate and control… She ruins me publicly with her words. My wife is a constant and unrelenting source of discouragement.”
Now if I had a buck for every time I’ve heard each one of those complaints, I’d be rich! Now can’t promise you to fix everything for you in 40 minutes. But what I can do is show you how marriage is SUPPOSED to work… and how, if we take seriously what God says, it will begin to counteract the curse. Are you with me?
Let me start with this: Because of sin… 1) relationships require roles and roles create responsibilities. In the last half century American society has pretty much abandoned a traditional concept of marriage into a more democratic picture. Each person is equal and no one has any responsibilities other than what they mutually agree upon. But if you give a marriage… couples… roommates… you give any two people proximity and an attempt at cooperative living… and what will develop? ROLES WILL! They form naturally! And responsibilities or expectations come as a result of those roles! And the question we have to ask is, “Is there going to be ANY leadership in the marriage?” And, “Does God have any reasons for expecting different responsibilities from different genders?” And the answer to both of those… is yes!
* We’re not defining the roles and responsibilities of all women to all men. We are talking about the roles and responsibilities of a wife to a husband and a husband to a wife. If you somehow think… that what I say today implies… that every woman… is subject to every man… you are sorely mistaken! If any of you men… ever treat my wife… like that she is subject to you… The first thing I’m going to do is stand back… and if she doesn’t kick you where it counts …I will punch you in the face… or The Bible doesn’t say that every woman is subject to every man!
** The biblical roles are a dance. What I mean by that is this: It takes two. If one partner decides not to fulfill his or her role or responsibility… it makes it that much harder for the other person to do so. Not impossible… but very difficult.
Picture a Jr. High dance. Teens are jammed in there. One side of the wall is boys… and the other side is girls. And if you watch them… it’s so funny… they barely mingle… they measure each other… they wonder intently if someone on the other side is going to wander over… and the girl is wondering what his motives are… the boy is wondering what she expects him to do… They wonder, you know, “Is the other person even going to stand up?” “Are we even going to even come together?” “I don’t even know if I’m going to dance if you’re not going to dance.” “I don’t even know what you’re thinking or why you’re even coming over here?” “Is there a drinking fountain over here?” And everything is measured… and everything is very, very tenuous. “I will only dance as long as you are dancing, and the minute you stop dancing I’m going to stop dancing because I don’t want to look stupid.” ……You’ll hear me say this often, “This marriage thing is a dance!” And BOTH people have to agree to dance! If ONE STOPS… it is VERY difficult… for the other one to keep dancing.
*** If you read the scriptures carefully what you will see is that the roles and responsibilities for marriage are closely tied to our submission to Christ. 21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. It requires His working deeply in and through us. It isn’t ONE person dying to themselves and the other riding the other person’s humility… Look, you’ll see today that the roles and responsibilities… are so impossible to accomplish in our own strength… BOTH require a degree of dying to self… that JUST ISN’T POSSIBLE without a life… unconditionally submitted… in a vital relationship with Jesus. The miracle of a beautiful marriage… is a miracle! It requires more selflessness than any person… is capable of generating on their own. It requires more love… more character… more spirit-filled responses… then what we can do… apart from God!
So let’s begin with the husbands. His role… is leadership. Look at Ephesians 5 starting in verse 23. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now, the word “head” simply pictures a “leader” (a responsible party). God’s description of the man’s role is that of a leader! Now to prevent the wrong idea I want to suggest what the word “leader” DOESN’T MEAN.
* It is NOT superiority! We know this… because the Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians that the “head” of Christ is God. And the Bible also teaches… that Christ… is in no way… inferior to God! So this word “leader” or “head”… simply CAN’T mean superiority! Man is to be the leader not because he’s smarter… or better… or more spiritual than his wife… Let’s face it… men… in many ways… don’t handle life as well as women! Women on many planes… are smarter… can more easily express what’s going on inside… Women consistently take spiritual life more serious. It’s the irony of the curse! Husbands are not assigned leadership because they are superior in any way to their wife!
Nor is leadership decision-making! (believe it or not). Now leadership does refer to a responsible party. But it DOESN’T mean that you make all the decisions. It means that you are responsible… for decisions made. In our home, I’M the SMARTEST GUY IN THE WORLD if I allow her to make decisions. Because I know… in many ways… she’s just smarter than me! She makes decisions like, “How do we manage our schedule?” “What area of spiritual concern should we focus on for our kids?” “Where do we tighten our finances?” I deal with the big things like, “World terrorism and things like that.” Being a leader doesn’t mean I make all the decisions. It means that I take responsibility… for decisions made.
NOR… is leadership domination! Jesus said, “worldly leaders lord it over people (That’s just how they do it. Order them around… Leadership is NOT ordering! “Clean the house!” “Get dinner ready!” “Pick up the kids!” “Iron my shirt!” That’s dictatorship!). Here’s the Biblical definition of leadership: “Taking responsibility for the spiritual, intellectual, emotional well-being of another by modeling, serving, and self-sacrificing.” This… is… manhood… defined! Men… God will hold me… and you… responsible for setting the pace in our spiritual life… in our serving… in our sacrificing! You ever wonder what the measure of a man is… THAT’S IT!
And men… in Eph. 5:22-33… one word embodies what the flavor of this leadership in marriage looks like: and it’s LOVE! See if you can pick it up: 25Husbands, love your wives, (how?) just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. This sounds like hard work! Yes… it is! 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31″For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself (third time he says it!), and the wife must respect her husband.
So men let’s get real practical! How did Jesus love us? Well he died to himself! He sought out our best interest! He put OUR NEEDS before His own! He lived for us! HE DIED FOR US! He traded in His GLORY… for us! I think about that, men, and I wonder… What if we had to make a choice between going up the ladder… and the health of our marriage? If faced with the dilemma… would we choose promotion… and advancement… and position… over marriage if it ever came to it? The truth is… a lot of you do… a lot of you have! What we need to be saying is, “My marriage is more important to me than any job, or future success, or accomplishment I could ever get!” “If it threatens my relationship with Sharon… it loses!”
Wives… if your husband… loved you that much… do you think your response to his leadership… would be all that miraculous? Wouldn’t you be naturally disposed… to entrust yourself to him?
Men, look at this passage in 1 Peter 3. 7Husbands, in the same way be considerate (Literally, “be knowledgeable” “know your wife intimately”) as you live with your wives (no one should know your wife more intimately and better than you), and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. What this means is that we’re supposed to treat our wives… like they are a priceless, mysterious, respect-worthy, fragile equals! THEY’RE NOT LESSER… They may be more BREAKABLE… And you need to make it your LIFE’S PURSUIT… getting to know her intimately… And IF YOU DON”T… God will give you the “Johnny One Note” treatment. When you try to talk with God… HE WON’T LISTEN! Every time you talk to God… and you’ve been harsh… You’ll say, “O God. You know I—“ And He’ll butt in and say, “So, what about your wife!” “Well, I wasn’t going to bring u—.” “Well I’M BRINGING it up!”
Here’s the point men. You are held responsible as the head. But you are commanded everywhere to be the heart. You’re to be the servant leader who sets the pace spiritually. You’re to kill yourself… providing and protecting so that those under your responsibility… can become all they were designed to be… both for your wife and your children… You’re to love your wife sacrificially and treat her with respect… and PURSUE intimate knowledge… as if knowing her… everything about her… is the most important thing in life! Are you okay men? (Manhood!)
<back to bfi2> So… what is the wife supposed to do (this is just where I just slit my throat)? Well going back to the beginning… Adam didn’t need someone to bring in a second income. He didn’t need a person to mend his clothes. He didn’t wear any! He didn’t need help washing the dishes. SO WHY DID ADAM NEED AN EVE? Answer: He was alone… it was “not good”… and she was to help him… to be a companion for her husband – one who will help him fulfill God’s will on earth!
And in Ephesians 5… The Scriptural translation… of the role for women… is submission. That is the most abrasive and objectionable word in the English language to describe it. People usually can’t even stand to hear it. I worry about even saying it because I just know, someone is going to pop off a circuit breaker after the message or beat me up at my car after the service… and it will be a woman who does it.
But, let me tell you what submission ISN’T. It is NOT inferiority! At the very end of all things… JESUS is seen submitting (voluntarily subjecting) to the FATHER. And JESUS ISN’T INFERIOR to the FATHER IN ANY WAY! Submission isn’t mindlessness. Submission isn’t passivity. Submission doesn’t mean you don’t make any decisions! Submission isn’t blind obedience! “Yes dear!” NOR IS SUBMISSION ENABLING! I’ve met Christian wives who were treated like dirt by their Christian husbands and the husband insisted that the wife cover for him as an act of submission! THAT IS NOT SUBMISSION!
Submission looks a little something like this: Biblical submission involves recognizing, respecting, and responding rightly to the responsible role of leadership of another. <back to text> 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. So… wives… what am I supposed to do?… I’m to be “submissive”… how? “As to the Lord”… to what extent? “In everything.” Now let me just paint it out! You are to support… and pray for… and encourage his leadership and help him fulfill God’s will for your life together. You don’t resist him… you don’t subvert him… you don’t discourage him… you don’t ridicule him… you don’t humiliate him publicly or privately… or squash is attempts to lead… you are on his side… not on his back! That’s the picture!
Now believe me if there’s a CONTEST for the leadership in the home and in the marriage… what happens? He’ll either run away… or he’ll go Fidel Castro on you. He’ll either run you down… or he’ll say, “Fine! I’ll go to work! It’s MUCH EASIER at work being a leader than it is at home!” Now women, I’m not saying that if the man does that, that it is your fault. I AM SAYING… that YOUR RESPONSE makes it EASIER or HARDER for them! Just, remember, it’s a dance! Women, ask yourself this question often… “How am I encouraging his leadership?” “Do I recognize it?” “Do I respond to it?”
There’re a lot of guys who hear a message like this… and get up the courage to try leadership… and their feeble attempts to lead are stomped into oblivion… and they never try again! And as a man… looking at a woman… I say… “Look, just give him a chance!” “He’s going to try!” “He isn’t going to be perfect… so decide now… to forgive him a few hundred mistakes in advance. He NEEDS a safe environment to try on leadership for a change.” “Will you just… let him… try?” If you do… your encouragement… will have a greater effect on his spiritual life… than you may ever realize!
Of all the times in my marriage with Sharon – we’ve been married 14 years – we have only gone head to head a couple of times. Maybe once or twice. And I mean head to head meaning we have come to an impasse and there’s no moving! Ususally we just sort of work it out and talk it through… let it simmer… and we come to a decision. But a couple of the times. We just couldn’t.
This particular one had both of us at an impasse. ONE VALUE was the more uncomfortable decision… the harder thing to do… and the OTHER VALUE… was in favor of maintaining a healthy level of comfort and stability for the family… And right or wrong… neither of us were backing down… and at one point she looked me deep into my eyes… and pondered out loud, “Maybe… it would be best… if I took the kids… went to moms… and let this thing work itself through… and then we can come back… when it’s all resolved?” …she wasn’t attacking me… she was being remorsefully serious… I took a deep breath… I thought… I prayed about it… for a couple of hours… and later that night I came back and said, “Sharon, do you believe that, as best as I know how, I’m trying to live out God’s will for us?” She said, “Yes.” Then I asked, “Do you believe that if I make this decision not to your pleading, that our marriage will be irreparably damaged?” She thought about it and said, “No.” Then I asked, “How long will you and the kids be gone?” We both took a deep breath… prayed together… and exhausted at the ordeal… we both went to sleep.
The next morning… she was on the phone with mom. I was coming downstairs… and you know the thoughts running through my head. You can just hear the muffled voice of your mother-in-law through the handset from across the room. Now I don’t know what exactly what she might have been saying… but you know what I was thinking. (Now, she wasn’t saying ANYTHING like this… but that’s what I was FEARING was being said…) “Can you believe that Jeff? This seems like such a BAD MOVE! How could he DO THIS? Honey, you need to pack that car and hit the road right away!”
So, whatever the case… I’m coming up… Sharon doesn’t see me… Mother-in-law doesn’t know I’m in the room now listening… And this is what I hear Sharon say, “You know we’ve really prayed about this… and we really think… that this is what God wants us to do. …and I just think God will take care of us.” I didn’t hear one… “Well, you know the jerk’s gonna do whatever he wants to do. It really doesn’t matter what I say.” No. What words were peppered in there? “We” “Us”. “I trust him!” You don’t know what that does… to me! It makes me… all the more… willing… to die for her… and love her… and all the more unwilling… to press my leadership.
Very few husbands are won by the harping of their wives! Rather it’s their unimpeachable character… their evident submissive relationship with Christ… and their willingness to live self-sacrificially… and respond to his God-given role of leadership.
The garden experience is restored by recognizing each other’s roles and responsibilities. That MEANS that in order to do so… WE ALL have to submit to Christ in our lives! You can’t tamper with the divine roles and responsibilities for marriage and not suffer consequences. The best thing you and I could do in our marriage is to draw close to Christ individually! And then as a couple. And to worship and grow in Him …together.
Marriage is a dance! It’s BOTH/AND! BOTH of us! When you walk away today you BETTER NOT SAY to your wife, “YOU HAVE GOT A LOT TO WORK ON!” And wives… you should not say, “BOY DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT HUSBANDS!” It’s a DANCE! We should look at each other and say…, “Care to dance?” “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
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WOW Jeff! I just read through your series of sermons online about marriage. They were very good!! It reminded me of how blessed I was to have Sharon as you as examples going through Jr. high and High school. Thanks for posting them. My wedding is a month from tomorrow and it’s been one of the best things I’ve read so far about marriage.
Comment by Lachelle Richter — May 20, 2008 @ 8:59 am
Amen Jeff! Mike and I always joke… he says submit, then I say die…. you know, it all works… LOL, thanks for the encouragment today.
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